Utter Insanity
by Eversmile-The-Weird
Summary: My first fanfiction! The Star Wars, Harry Potter, LOTR, and possibly other chracters all come together in one Funtastic Flamazing Floating Housey-Thing, along with some insane chicks. Crack fic!
1. Chapter 1

**Good morning, everybody! It's a beautiful day… well, actually, it's pretty average over here, but that's fine. This fanfic is absolutely crazy, so if you're looking for a serious fanfiction story, just walk away now. If you're not – read on. There is no way this won't be a multichapter work, so, if anybody is reading this, be on the lookout for updates.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, Harry Potter, any of the songs / artists mentioned in this chapter, Nyan Cat, Advil, Frisbee, or Jell-O.**

Firecracker was stabbing a picture of red Jell-O with Deadly Pickles, her magical always – sharp pencil, while singing the Duck Song. Her behavior was not entirely without reason, which was unusual for Firecracker. She was maiming the Jell-O picture due to a mixture of hatred for the substance and stress. As for the Duck Song, she was now singing this practically at the top of her lungs to block the horrible noises of "Sexy and I Know It" that were drifting up the stairs. Blocking out her younger brother's awful tastes in music was an almost everyday occurrence. So was stabbing pictures of things she despised. However, stress was a feeling that rarely wormed its way into Firecracker's mind. Today, the plan she had worked on for so long would be coming into place. I'm getting a little ahead of myself, though. I'm guessing you are wondering who this chick is, how old she is, and what she looks like. Since I hate having to describe what the main character looks like every chapter, I will give any readers out there a detailed description, then leave the rest of the chapters to your imagination.

Firecracker's hair was light blond (her natural color) and dyed a vivid blue at the ends. The hair was pulled into two sloppy pigtails. She was short, at 5'2. On her face, she wore stereotypical black "nerd glasses". Her small nose had a multitude of freckles, as did the rest of her face. She wore no makeup. Makeup is for girly girls. Eww. Oh yeah, and she had blue eyes. True to her nature, her clothes were mismatched and non-girly. On her feet were blue and white rain boots. Naturally, the weather was sunny that day, with absolutely no clouds in sight. She also wore knee high socks. One was green with yellow stars, the other rainbow. She wore rather normal denim shorts, except for the random jelly donut sticker on it. Lastly, she wore a white t-shirt that featured an elephant holding an espresso.

Now, back to the story. Firecracker walked over to a scrap of wall that was mostly concealed by her bed. She flipped open a small, rectangular bit of the wall, which revealed a hidden keypad. After typing in the correct code, another, larger keypad appeared. Once again, she typed in the correct sequence of numbers and letters. This time, though, a mechanical voice asked "What is Firecracker's favorite type of coffee?" Firecracker, obviously knowing the answer by heart, quickly answered " A mocha-caramel frappuccino with whipped cream. Chocolate and caramel topping-thingy, and a chocolate straw. Woot woot!" Forgetting the "woot woot" at the end was fatal. At last, the majority of the wall opened wide, revealing the entrance to a vast tube slide. Firecracker hopped in and began to slide down the well and colorfully lit tunnel. "Ooh, pretty lights" she said as the lights whizzed by. "They remind me of the time when I went to that bumblebee's anniversary. There was a dancing polar bear, a ninja kitten, and those sugar cookies where the frosting said 'Happy Birthday, Corwin!' even though it was his anniversary, and his name was Albert. Oh well!". At last the tunnel came to an end. The only thing at the end of the tunnel was a swirling vortex. Firecracker gleefully hopped into the portal like it was a cool swimming pool on a roasting summer day. After a feeling that was similar to Apparating, she arrived on the opposite side of the portal, in a colossal mansion suspended in the air. Actually, the mansion itself was not suspended. Rather, it was located on an entire street hanging invisibly in the air. It was so high up, it was above the clouds, so that passerby would not see a street hanging over their heads when they walked by. All this was Firecracker's doing. Well, her planning anyway. Her army of "construction workers" had finished it in just over a year. It turned out that Nyan Cats were very speedy workers.

Firecracker took a deep breath, arranged some chairs in the room she was now in, and pressed a big blue button. The _Star Wars _theme song played as people fell from the ceiling. Some of them fell onto the chairs, the others landing painfully on the hard, orange – and – red - tiled floor. She waved at the falling people, helping Luke, Leia, C-3PO, Darth Maul, and Qui-Gon the chairs, and left Jar-Jar and Palpatine twitching feebly on the floor.

"Welcome to the Funtastic Flamazing Floating Housey-Thing!" Firecracker shouted, opening her arms with a flourish, waiting for applause. However, everyone was too busy either rubbing their aching heads or coming back into consciousness to respond at all. It occurred to Firecracker that no one would be up to doing much more than being in pain for a while unless she did something. So, she passed out Advil to everyone except Jar-Jar and Emperor of Ugliness. She just slapped them in the face to wake them up. Yay! Everyone who had taken the Advil was suddenly wide awake, virtually painless, and chatting about the utter strangeness of very recent events. Never underestimate the power of Advil.

"Alright everybody! Now that you are conscious, I'd like to welcome you to the Funtastic Flamazing Floating Housey-Thing! You can call it FFFHT. But really, you should call it home! Because this is where you're living now. Don't worry, there's plenty of room! You should be getting maps right about now. It'll show you where everyone's room is, except my own. I don't like stalkers."

This statement was greeted with expressions of concern for their safety and a definite lack of applause. Firecracker sighed.

"Alright, everybody say their name when I point to them. I'll start with you, Luke" she said, pointing Deadly Pickles at Luke.

"You just said my name! Why do you need to hear it again? Who are YOU? And what is HE doing here?" Luke pointed to Vader.

"Hey, be patient. I'm Firecracker. I just want to take roll. Shut up so I can hear everybody say their name, because saying "here" is boring. Nice to have you here. Welcome. NEXT!"

She went through all the names. There were Luke (obviously), Leia, Han, C-3PO, RD-D2, Chewbacca, Lando, Vader, Obi-Wan (who was young again, because otherwise he would probably die right there at the mansion), Qui-Gon, Darth Maul, Sudoku (Dooku), and Emperor of Ugliness. Firecracker had sent The Retard (Jar-Jar) back to the Gungans.

"Hey guys! I'm sure you're wondering why you're all here. I brought you here! See, back in the 70's and 80's, people were obsessed with you guys. They believed in you, that you were real. But, as time went on, they stopped, and thought you guys were fictional characters. The idiots! Well, one or two people believed again in 1999, but that was about it. So, the problem is, people don't believe in you anymore. Once everyone stopped, you guys would die. So, I brought you guys here, where you're safe from that suckiness!"

"… How do you know this?" asked Han tentatively. The grin slipped off of Firecracker's face.

"Ehhh… COOKIES!" she shouted, tossing a plate of cookies like a Frisbee to the other side of the room. Everyone raced to grab the delicious chocolate-chip goodness, except Yoda, who was allergic to gluten. So, Firecracker plopped herself down next to him.

"Hey buddy! Short people rule!"

"Freaking me out, you are", said Yoda, edging himself away from the crazy chick. Then, Firecracker heard the hi-tech sounding sounds of lightsabers. She looked up to find Obi-Wan and Emperor of Ugliness dueling over the last chocolate chip cookie. She leaped over to the, shouting "BREAK IT UP!". She gave Obi-Wan the cookie, and Ugly a banana, then conjured a pack of banana-deprived, saber-toothed orangutans, who immediately attacked him, leave good ol' Obi in peace.

"Alright everybody. I need to set some rules. 1: Don't steal my candy, coffee, tater chips, cookies, pie, waffles, or hot chocolate. 2: No killing other characters. 3: No killing me, if that's possible. 4: No stalking me or my friends, who will show up. Lastly, 5: NO dying! Got it? The consequences for breaking these rules will be much worse than what just happened to Old Ugly. So, have fun! Chillax! Eat waffles! Grow Durigible Plums! Do…whatever the Force else! WHEE!" She conjured a ball pit and jumped in. And so the insanity began.

**So, that was Chapter 1! This is my first story, so please don't be too harsh. Bye!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi people! It's been a long time! Sorry! I was just really busy with real life. So, for the sake of the story, please pretend it is still November, before Thanksgiving. Actually, in this chapter, it's still the same day that everybody from Star Wars came to the mansion. And now- TO THE STORY! Actually, to the disclaimer.**

**Disclaimer- I do not own Star Wars, A Very Potter Musical, Marshmallow Peeps, Wii, Wii Sports Resort, or Laughing Phoenix.**

Mayhem and chaos reigned in that room. Luke and Vader were having some sort of father-son argument about whether or not Luke should join the Dark Side (don't those just happen every day among normal families?), Leia was arguing with Han for no apparent reason, Poopatine was complaining about the lack of an emergency room to no one (because no one cared), Obi-Wan was still trying to figure out whether or not Qui-Gon was a Force ghost, Yoda was examining the balloons (he was almost 900 years old and he didn't know what a balloon was!), and the other people were just standing around looking dumb. Except R2-D2. He was already in some other room, being chased by C-3PO.

"I'M ALIVE! WAHOO!" shouted Qui-Gon, one of the very few people in the room who felt happy.

"Isn't it fun?" replied Firecracker cheerfully.

From across the room, they heard Obi-Wan.

"You're- You're alive!"

He ran over to Qui-Gon and Firecracker.

"I thought you were supposed to be a WISE Jedi" remarked Firecracker.

Both of the men ignored the comment and gave each other a hug.

"Master! It's great to see you alive!" said Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon smiled and said

"Psshhhh, you don't need to call me Master, Obi! Yoda told me all about what you did after I died!"

"Yeah… sorry about that." Obi-Wan motioned to Vader, who was STILL arguing with Luke. Okay, they had only been arguing for three minutes, but whatever.

"Oh no, it's not your fault. Don't worry about him." said Qui-Gon.

"Umm, sorry Qui-Gon, but did you just say not to worry about the powerful Sith Lord who is _living _with us? Who _killed _me? I'm afraid I have to disagree!" exclaimed Obi.

"_Don't worry. _There's a prophecy!" said Qui-Gon cheerfully, as if this settled things.

Obi sighed.

"But that prophecy didn't work!" he said angrily.

"Oh no, not that Chosen One thingamabob. It's a _new _prophecy. Yoda told me on the fall here!" Qui-Gon continued in his cheery voice.

" A _new _one? What does it say?" asked Obi, his annoyedness (yes, even great Jedi Masters feel annoyed, just not Sith angry) dissipating in favor of curiosity.

"It says that-"

Unfortunately, this interesting story development was interrupted by Firecracker. She was using a very powerful microphone. She hopped up on a conveniently located podium and grabbed the mic.

_SCREECH!_

Everybody covered their ears, except for the droids and Vader.

"Alright, peeps! Important announcement to make, so shut up! Now, normally I will let you guys do what you want for dinner, unless you are being put under Cruel and Relatively Unusual Punishment." Everyone exchanged nervous glances. Firecracker continued anyway. "Today though, since this is your first night here, we're all going to have dinner in the Food Room! Fancier people might call it a dining hall, but whatevs. So, show up at 7:00 P to the M for a deliciouso feast! Or face…. Punishment! Okay, peace out Marshmallow Peeps!"

She then Disapparated to her room to call Laughing Phoenix, and invite her to dinner. However, these people were familiar with the Force, not magic, so they were flabbergasted. For a moment, everyone was silent. Then, a deep, robotic-ish voice spoke that belonged to none other than Vader.

"What the Force is a Marshmallow Peep?"

At this, Yoda hobbled over to Vader as quickly as he could, indignant.

"Use such language in front of your children, you must not!" shouted Yoda, waving his gimer stick in Vader's face. Well, it was actually his knee, but hey, the poor little green guy can't help being tiny!

"EXCUSE ME?" boomed Vader. "I may be rather intimidating, but I am NOT a Sith Lord who works some evil Emperor guy, killed Obi-Wan Kenobi, killed younglings, blew up my daughter's planet, and is in a dishonorable quest for supreme power, and should really be turned back to the Light side! So what makes you think I would swear in front of my kids?"

"Um… That's actually a pretty accurate description…" said Obi-Wan tentatively.

"Oh…yeah… I guess you're right…umm… oops…. My bad. My very, very bad. Ummm…. Forget I ever said anything!" Vader sat down, mortified.

"Well… At least he didn't swear…" said Han, trying to break the awkward silence. However, even if he hadn't talked, that would've been done anyway, because Firecracker Apparated back into the room.

"Hey guys! It turns out you are incredibly loud, so I heard everything that went on. Except when Laughing Phoenix – that's my friend – screamed in my ear. Then I heard something about Ashwinders making pancakes. Anyway Vader, you should probably examine your life a bit, unless that was your alter ego." Vader opened his mouth to reply (though, of course, no one could tell), but before he could speak, Poopatine beat him to it. "How dare you show such audacity to a Sith Lord!"

Firecracker sniffed disdainfully. "Pfft. Audacity is my middle name."

Han groaned.

"Aw c'mon! That's one of the worst comebacks ever! You can do better than _that_!" said Han, kind of whinily, but oh well.

"No, Audacity really is my middle name." said Firecracker matter-of-factly. "Anyway, _Poopatine_, you're hardly one to talk. You're a perverted loser with severe dental problems!"

At this, Poopatine's face turned purple with rage, making his head look like a giant prune. Eww.

"THAT'S IT, YOU LITTLE RAT!" said Poopatine angrily and stupidly. He began to do that little trick where you shoot lightning out of your fingers at Firecracker, but she merely whipped out her wand and said "Protego!" Of course, this spell could be broken by a competent wizard, but these people had no idea what magic was (yet), so Firecracker was quite safe, and she knew it. So she began to skip along in her Protego bubble, smiling. She began to sing a rather tuneless song…

"I'M AL FLUFFY BUNNY, YOU'RE A STUPID FOX! YOU CANT CATCH ME 'CAUSE I'M TOO AWESOME AND YOUUU SUCK! LA LA LA LAAAA, YOU CANT CATCH ME NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH!" She tossed candy to all the good guys, continuing to laugh while Poopatine almost blew up in rage. Everybody was laughing uproariously, except for Vader, who was having a 'coughing fit' *wink wink nudge nudge*. At last, Poopatine left the room in tears.

**About five minutes later, after everybody recovered from laughing…**

"Well, I'm going back to the Death Star that landed about a block away…make sure Emperor's alive…create some high-powered laser weapons… See you at dinner, I guess." said Vader.

Alright! Don't be more than 10 minutes late!" Firecracker said, and waved goodbye. After he left she said "Who wants to play Wii?". Of course, she was greeted with blank stares, since there were no Wiis in that galaxy far, far way. She sighed. "C'mon, if you all follow me I'll show you." So, not sure what else to do, they all followed her to a Fun Room, which, considering the size of the FFFHT, was about a five-minute walk away.

**Another five minutes later, in the Fun Room…**

"Alright, let's play some Wii Sports Resort!" said Firecracker happily. She popped the disc into the Wii, and soon the Wii Sports Resort main menu was on the ginormous 70" screen. Soon, C-3PO was getting creamed by R2-D2 in Swordfighting (LOL!), Han was hurling digital Frisbees like a ninja throws ninja stars (instead of hitting the digital dog by mistake and giving it a concussion – poor dog!), Luke was a master wakeboarder, Obi-Wan was pretty good at archery, Qui-Gon sucked at cycling, Boba Fett was a pro at golfing, and Leia was still failing miserably at canoeing. They played for over an hour…

**Alright! The end of another chapter! By the way, don't get the wrong impression of Firecracker. She is actually a great person, she just can't stand Poopatine. Until next time!**


	3. Chapter 3: More Friends?

**Chapter 3: **_**More**_** Friends?**

**Hey guys! Wasn't so long this time, now was it? By the way, thank you SO SO SO SO SO SO etc. much for reviewing! I wish you sunshine, lollipops (or whatever candy you like) and rainbows! Alright, time for the disclaimer. **

**Wise and Cumbersome Disclaimer Says: Firecracker does not own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Laughing Phoenix, Care Bears, Rice Krispie Treats, Wii, A Very Potter Musical, Taboo, Beanie Babies, Lord of the Rings, Gummi Bears, Chad Vader, or any of the songs/ artists mentioned in this chapter.**

**By the way, **_**italics **_**is singing. Or thoughts.**

BANG! The door to the Fun Room had been shoved open, allowing Laughing Phoenix to barrel in, her breath ragged. She stormed over to Firecracker and shouted in her ear

"URGENT MESSAGE! URGENT MESSAGE!" Firecracker winced.

"That's the second time you screamed in my ear today!" complained Firecracker.

"Hey, this time I only shouted. Anyway, didn't you say you were having the big dinner at seven tonight?" asked Laughing Phoenix.

"Yeah, why?"

"BECAUSE IT'S 6:30!"

"OH HIPPOGRIFF DUNG! Thank Merlin we can use magic! Okay… Everyone, since I still don't trust you guys to be on your own in the FFFHT, everyone follow me. You don't have to cook, just stay near the kitchen."

"But I wanna finish my power cruising game!" Han whined. "I'm getting really good! I'm kicking Luke's butt!" Luke looked very annoyed about this.

"Sure Han, you can stay here! You just won't get any dinner!" said Firecracker cheerfully, looking smug.

"Ummm…. Standing by the kitchen is my favorite hobby!"

"That's what I thought".

**IN THE KITCHEN: Only Firecracker and Phoenix are in here. The rest of the people are… somewhere.**

""Kay, what are we making?" asked Phoenix.

Chicken , green beans, mashed potatoes, and apple pie".

"PIE PIE PIE PIE PIE PIE PIE PIE PIE !" sang Phoenix, crashing into a stack of dirty dishes, which collapsed and buried her. Firecracker ignored her friends predicament, and Accioed chicken soup ingredients into a pot and made the water boil. Phoenix emerged from the clutter, yanking a half-eaten Rice Krispie Treat out of her long, red, tangled hair.

"Hey, let's sing a Happy Working Song while we work!" suggested Firecracker.

"_We'll keep singing without fail, otherwise we'd spoil it, hosing down the garbage pail, and scrubbing up the toilet – Ooh! How we all enjoy letting loose with a little la-da-da-dum-dum, while we're emptying the vacu-um, it's such fun to hum a happy working song, oo-ooh, a happy working song!"_ They burst into peals of laughter. Thank goodness everything was done! Well, the pie was only half done, but don't worry about that, because there is no way these two would let a dinner pass by without pie. Ooh, a rhyme!

-**6:55 P.M.: The Food Room**

"Alright, we've got some totally yummilicious food here!" said Firecracker cheerfully.

Present were all the good guys except Luke and Han. So, the first words out of Phoenix's mouth were "Where's Luke and Han?". Obi-Wan replied "They went back to finish their Whee game". (Obi didn't know the spelling of Wii at that point.)

"The imbeciles! Oh well… I'll go get them." Nothing really interesting happened during that small time frame, so we'll just skip to the part where dinner is about to start. Ooh, another rhyme! Anyway, everyone was seated. Firecracker was at the head of the table, with Phoenix to her left. Remember: Always keep your ally on the side with your crappy (non-dominant) hand.

"Where's Va- Oh!" Phoenix saw Vader marching in, Poopatine in tow. Once Poopatine finally crossed the threshold of the Food Room, Firecracker immediately said "You're late." As usual, Poopatine looked furious. "I- You- You said we could come up to 10 minutes late!"

"No, I said Vader could come 10 minutes late, because he was actually going to work on some laser thingamabob. You, however, gave me no excuse. So, instead of the dinner you see, you get to eat our signature Yucky Casserole! It contains lima beans, mold, tartar sauce, sardine kidneys, uncooked hot dogs, hot sauce, spoiled milk, and tripe. Accio Yucky Casserole! Now, Movius Casserole To Poopatinious!" The horrifying substance drifted over to Poopatine, who was stuck in the Time Out Chair. "Everybody else – dig in!" They all began nom-nom-nomming, except Vader, who said

"How am I supposed to eat?". Firecracker facepalmed.

"Sorry, I meant to give you this earlier. Open it.", she said, handing him a box. On the outside, it read _**"**__**Burned Helmet Head Easy Razor Thin Slice Cutter – Easier Munching For People Who Got Burned Up In Lava!**__**"**_. Vader took it, and said

"Er… Thanks." And began to chop up some chicken.

"Ah, such scintillating conversation!" said Phoenix sarcastically, to much laughter.

"Oh yeah, I was supposed to make an announcement! Tomorrow, some more people will be showing up! Most of them are supermegafoxyawesomehot – FIERCE! Hopefully, you will like them.". After this statement, everybody started shouting and asking questions. So Firecracker pressed her Almighty Giant Taboo Button of Getting People to Shut Up (or Taboo Button for short), and everyone stopped talking, except for R2-D2 and Chewbacca. "Okay, these people are _not _from your galaxy, and they will be staying here, just like you guys. Don't worry, they have separate rooms with their own complimentary big-eyed collectible Beanie Babies. Try not to kill them."

"We won't have to share bathrooms, will we?" asked Leia, concerned.

"No, I'm pretty sure I constructed this so that we'll only have to start sharing when we reach 250 people. Or something along those lines" replied Firecracker. Leia breathed a sigh of relief. Suddenly –

SPLOIT! Some mashed potatoes had landed on Han's forehead. He looked quite peeved.

"Ahem – potatoes? Real mature… who did this?" demanded Han.

"POE-TAY-TOES!" exclaimed Firecracker, channeling her inner Sam Gamgee. "Anyway, I think you might find your culprit diagonally from you" she said, motioning towards a snickering Boba Fett.

"YOU!" snarled Han, enraged. "Oh, you are IN for it!" He grabbed a handful of green beans and lobbed them at Boba Fett. They hit him on the top of his head. Most of them bounced off, but one remained lodged on the top of his helmet like a weird green bird in a weird hard nest.

"BATTLE TIME!" screamed Phoenix joyfully. Man, that girl screams a lot. Food was flying everywhere. A wishbone was stuck in Firecracker's hair like a demented barrette. Phoenix's T-shirt was covered in gravy. Vader had a big blob of mashed potatoes on his helmet that looked vaguely reminiscent of one of those ludicrous 17th century man wigs. Luke had green beans all over his shirt, Chewbacca had an abundance of artificial cherry filling in his fur, and Poopatine was an unrecognizable blob of chicken skin, mashed potatoes, gravy, and Yucky Casserole. Leia had fled the room as soon as there were multiple food projectiles in order to save her hairdo. The fighting had finally ceased, since there was no more food to hurl.

**Annoying Internal Voice: Eww!**

**Me: Not **_**that **_**kind of hurl Anyway, back to the story!**

"You know, Poopatine," said Firecracker in a faux-thoughtful voice "I think I was wrong when I gave you a nickname."

"Thank the Sith-"

" Since you're not exactly the manliest guy around," she continued, cutting Poopatine off "I figured your current name was pretty good, but a bit too masculine. I thought Poopatina had a nice ring to it!" He looked befuddled.

"You didn't even change it-"

"Not Poopatine" she said, cutting him off again. "Poopatin_a_." This was too much for the others, and they all burst out in raucous laughter, while Vader had another 'coughing fit'. Poopatina's head resembled a large prune. Suddenly, everyone remembered they were covered in food, and went to their respective rooms to go change. Everyone, that is, except Firecracker and Phoenix, who stayed to clean up. It only involved a few cleaning spells, but no one else knew that!

**And so comes the close of this first day at the FFFHT… By the way, Phoenix slept over that night. Anyway, since hearing about people snore probably isn't very interesting to you guys, I will just skip to the morning, at 9:36 A.M. Yay!**

"We've gotten ourselves into a real puzzle" said Phoenix.

"Quite a conundrum." Firecracker agreed. Before them was a mess of wires, circuits, light bulbs, glowing orbs of light that were magic, not light bulbs, and Gummi Bears, all on one small circular panel. They were not having an easy time of arranging everything correctly. All this fuss to make a green button! Suddenly, they heard a crackle. And another! And another! And-

"Oh, MANTICORE BARF! We almost had it! If only that one wire was long enough to connect to that stupid yellow Gummi Bear!"

"I never liked the yellow ones. Hey, do I hear mechanized breathing or is that just me?" asked Phoenix

"Uhhh… That's not just you! Hurry, hide the project!" They quickly stood side by side, mostly concealing the wires and such. They were just in time, because at that moment Vader stepped in… but not into a bucket.

"Well, if it isn't a Dark Lord of the Sith!" said Firecracker in what sounded like a mix of a British accent and an Irish brogue. It wasn't that great. "Top o' the mornin' to ya, sir!"

"Ah, good day, sir!" said Phoenix in a high British accent. "Jolly good weather, isn't' it?"

"Sure… Hey, what's that?" He tried to get past to the soon-to-be-button. Both girls drew their lightsabers. Firecracker's was bright orange, while Phoenix's was yellow.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" exclaimed Phoenix angrily.

"I can pass if I want to-"

"No. You. CAN'T!" Phoenix looked murderous, but Firecracker intervened before things got hideous.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Think happy thoughts! Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows… Um… Puppies… Bunnies… Ice cream… Unicorns…" Phoenix calmed down a tiny bit.

"You would make the worst Sith Lord ever" Vader observed.

"Thank you! Now, we have work to do, and it's really none of your business. Why don't you go bowling? There's an alley only 6 rooms away."

"Ooookaaay…. Suddenly, leaving seems like a very good idea…" Vader walked away, creeped out. Phoenix and Firecracker watched the door close. Once it finally had…

"WE DID IT!" they shouted.

"Alright, let's get cracking on that button!" ordered Phoenix. And so they did.

**10:26 A.M.: Still working on that blasted button!**

Happily for our two OCs, no one else had bothered to intrude on their work. Unhappily, they still hadn't gotten the button to work. However, that was about to change.

"OMF YAY!" shouted Phoenix from the floor.

"Did you find a coupon for Rice Krispie Treats?" asked Firecracker eagerly.

"Better! It's a wire for the button! That's why we haven't gotten it to work all this time!"

"WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO! HARRY POTTER PEEPS, HERE WE COME! Actually, they're coming to us, but whatever! I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it!" So, after some more wire switching, it was finally time to put the button over the… mishmosh.

They arranged some chairs, and pressed the button. An epic tune began to play… the Harry Potter theme song! People fell from the ceiling…

**HOORAY! THE HARRY POTTER PEEPS HAVE ARRIVED! Hope y'all are ready for the next chapter! By the way, Phoenix is just a shortening of Laughing Phoenix. Thanks for reviewing! **


	4. Chapter 4: You Can't Be Sirius!

**Chapter 4: You Can't Be Sirius!**

**Well hullo humans, dogs, cats, frogs, miniature horses, dolphins, sharks, turtles, parrots, butterflies, alien life forms, lamps, telephones, bananas, toaster ovens, and blades of grass! I like to cater to a wide audience. I'm excited for this chapter, and I hope you are too! So get ready, and don't fasten your seatbelts, because that takes too much effort!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Manhattan Pizza, Pop-Tarts, Toaster Strudel, any of the candy mentioned in this episode, any of the books mentioned,**

**Warning: I had a mug of coffee shortly before writing this chapter.**

"Hermione! Watch out! You're going to hit the floor! Use that spell you cast at Gringotts when you, Ron, and Harry were about to fall to your deaths from that unsafe roller coaster thing that takes you to your vault!" shouted Firecracker. Hermione trusted the stranger (hey, she's a stranger to her) and did so, then stood up and cast a suspicious look at Firecracker.

"How do _you_ know about that? I don't even know you!" hormone inquired, rather perturbed.

"I… er… like to read up on my guests" said Firecracker awkwardly. Hey, no one likes being told most people consider them fictional.

_"Guests?"_ said Hermione incredulously.

"I'll explain in a moment. Just sit tight while Voldemort brains himself on the floor" Firecracker replied, trying to calm her down. Sure enough, Voldemort practically cracked his skull on the floor. "Wow, he really did brain himself! I could take over for Trelawney! I'd rather not, tough. She's a batty old fraud." Hermione looked thoughtful for a moment, then said

"Hmm, another Divination non-believer. Perhaps you're not so bad after all".

"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence" Firecracker retorted sarcastically. When she saw that Hermione was about to apologize, she quickly said "Just kidding. Don't worry, I can take a joke. Anyway, I'm Firecracker. Pleased to meet you." Hermione said "Er, yes, pleasure" while thinking "_is she bipolar?"_. Firecracker hooped onto that ever-present podium and used a voice amplifying spell instead of a microphone.

"Greetings witches, wizards, and other people! My name is Firecracker, and you have just landed in the Funtastic Flamazing Floating Housey-Thing! For short, you can just call it home! Because… this is where you're living now. You could buy a house, but there are only Muggles around here, so you'd need a lot of Muggle moolah. Don't worry, you have ginormous rooms with nice, big clean bathrooms. Well, they're clean now, anyway. Everybody also has a map, which shows all the rooms. If you guys get hungry, there are kitchens, which might have food if you're lucky, and a bunch of other places. Aaaand, if you're interested, I'm going to Manhattan Pizza for dinner, so if you want to come, just let me know by 7 P.M., and you can come along. I'll even pay for you! So…. Okay, just two more thing 'til you're free. One: I need to take roll. Really brings back the Hogwarts memories, doesn't it?" She pulled out a list. "Harry?"

"Here"

"Ron?'

"Wha… Pumpkin juice? Oh yeah… here!"

"George?"

"Want to buy some Weasley's Wildfire Whiz-Bangs?" At this offer, Firecracker eagerly hopped down from the podium and skipped over to George.

" Ooh, how much?" she asked excitedly. George withdrew a couple boxes from his cloak and said, in his best salesman voice

"It's five Galleons for a Basic Blaze box and twenty for the Deflagration Deluxe".

"I'll take two of each!" George withdrew two more boxes and handed those, along with the original two. "Okay, here's 50 Galleons." Firecracker handed over the moolah. "after all, what this place really needs is more chaos." George smiled slightly disturbingly and said

"You know, Firecracker, I think we're going to get along just fine". Meanwhile, Snape was becoming very annoyed.

"Could we dispose with these _pleasantries _and get on with this infernal attendance?" he growled.

"Alright then, I'll mark you down as present, and we'll continue! Tally ho!" She leapt back up on the podium and read off the rest of the names. Besides the people already mentioned, there were the rest of the Weasleys (including Fred), Tonks, Lupin, Sirius, Dumbledore, Peter Pettigrew, Bellatrix, Peeves, McGonagall, Flitwick, Fenrir Greyback, Filth (Filch), Dobby, Kreacher, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Trelawney, Hagrid, Moldysnort (Voldemort), Dumbridge (Umbridge), Nearly Headless Nick, Moaning Myrtle, Neville, Luna, Xenophilius Lovegood, Seamus Finnegan, Dean Thomas, Cho Chang, Lavender Brown, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Lucius (Lucy) and Narcissist (Narcissa) Malfoy, Ernie MacMillan, Cornbread Fudgebrain (Cornelius Fudge), Rufus Scrimgeour, Fleur, Hedwig, Pigwidgeon, Trevor, Crookshanks, and Nagini.

"Okay then! Now, before you guys go do whatever, there's just one more thing. There are already people here, so don't get freaked out when you see strangers. Most of them are friendly and will introduce themselves. The only two you should look out for is the guy who looks like a big black robot, and the really pale, wrinkly guy with a black cape. Call the wrinkly guy Poopatina, and hex him whenever you get the chance. The sing up sheet for pizza is right here! See you guys around!" She hopped back off the podium and went to go talk to Luna. Fred, George, and Ron immediately signed up for pizza. Ron thought Firecracker was demented, but he wasn't about to pass up the chance for free food. Everyone else went to go do whatever.

Harry was wandering around the huge mansion aimlessly, exploring and whistling, when he nearly bumped into someone.

"Hey, watch where you're going!" The someone had a deep, robotic voice. Harry stopped staring at the ceiling, (the ceilings have Nyan Cats on them) and saw a guy that looked like a big, black robot. _Oh, that guy! I think I was supposed to watch out for him…oops. Oh well, I'm pretty sure I can handle this_ thought Harry. So, he cheerfully introduced himself.

"Hi, Robot Guy! I'm Harry Potter." Vader sighed.

"My name isn't Robot Guy, it's Lord Vader."

"Oh, sorry. Firecracker said something about a robot guy, and I didn't know your name- wait Lord? I thought only Voldemort called himself Lord. Are you a new dark wizard?" He didn't add _If you are, I'm going to have to defeat you_ because that was kinda violent, and maybe he just had bizarre parents who thought 'Lord' was a good first name. Behind his helmet, Vader looked confuzzled.

"Wizard? No, no, I'm a Sith Lord." Now it was Harry's turn to look confuzzled.

"Sith? Is that some kind of speech disorder?" Harry was starting to feel bad for this guy.

"No, no, no! It's not a disorder of any kind! It's just a regular order!" Vader was starting to get angry. "We're the enemies of the Jedi!"

"Jed-eye? What's that, a type of steak?" Vader was so taken aback by Harry's statement that he forgot to be angry.

"What in the galaxy do Jedi have to do with steak?" he said flabbergastedly.

"You know, jed-eye? Like rib-eye?" Harry was starting to wonder if Vader had mental issues.

"Oh. No." Suddenly, a white shape zoomed out of nowhere, dropped an envelope, and flew away as fast as it came.

"Thanks, Hedwig" Harry called out in the direction she took off. He picked up the envelope, tore it open, and read. This is what the letter said:

_ Harry,_

_ There's an awesome vending machine in room Pigeon-73.9 It's on the fourth floor. There are maps at every elevator, so it should be easy to find. It's the best vending machine I've seen in my entire life! It has homemade cookies, fudge, pie, Pop-Tarts, toaster strudel, donuts, every ice cream flavor I can think of at the moment, giant Pixy Stix, giant Hershey Bars… giant soooo many kinds of giant candy! And so much more… Hurry before I eat it all! _

_ Ron_

After reading this all-important message, Harry knew he must run to the vending machine as quickly as possible. Better yet- fly! _"Accio Firebolt!" _he shouted. His broom flew to his side almost immediately. He hopped on. Before he left, he said a brief good-bye to Vader.

"Gotta go! Bye Robot Man!" And he left.

"IT'S VADER, PUNK!" shouted Vader at Harry, who was already in the elevator. He sighed.

**Meanwhile…**

Obi-Wan was sitting in some random and comfortable armchair reading a book. It was a delightful Agatha Christie novel titled _"And Then There Were None"_. What most people don't know is that Obi-Wan loves mystery novels almost as much as Dumbledore loves knitting patterns. He had just reached a suspenseful part when he was interrupted.

"Hello! I've read that book, it's quite good. How far have you gotten? Sorry, I should introduce myself. My name is Hermione Granger." Obi-Wan looked up from his book.

"Hello, Hermione. Nice to meet an Agatha Christie fan. I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi. You can just call me Obi-Wan. Are you a friend of Firecracker's?" Obi-Wan thought privately that this Hermione sounded too logical to know Firecracker very well, but you could never tell.

"No, actually. I'm not quite sure exactly how I got here. All I know is I was sitting in my library, reading _"__The Iliad__"_- fascinating book, by the way- when all of a sudden this great purple vortex opens beneath my feet and next thing I know I'm falling from the ceiling!"

"A similar thing happened to me jet a few days ago. I can't make heads or tails of it" replied Obi.

"So you haven't got any ideas either… Oh well. Are you going to the Manhattan Pizza event tonight?" asked Hermione.

"Pizza event?" Obi-Wan had not caught wind of this.

"Yes, Firecracker's treating anyone who would like to come to free pizza. Very generous of her." Obi-Wan suddenly looked delighted.

"Free food?" Count me in! Anyway, see you around, Hermione!". With that, he ran off to sign up.

**Ah, a conversation between two intelligent, mature people! They won't be so mature for long! MWAHAHAHA! Anyway, back to the action.**

Firecracker was chatting animatedly with Luna Lovegood when she was suddenly Force- pulled away from the scene into a pinball arcade (this mansion includes pinball arcades). Firecracker was very annoyed when she found out who had been so insolent as to interrupt her conversation about radishes, pandas, and the sock industry.

"That was so rude!" exclaimed Firecracker indignantly. "Couldn't you see I was talking to Luna? Are you blind?"

"I'm a Sith Lord, not an animal shelter owner. What do you expect me to do, drive around in a van shaped like a unicorn giving out free ice cream, money, and plushies? I'll just have a parade with rainbow floats and ponies and confetti and cutesy music and puppies and kittens, and coat the streets with sugar and candy! I'll be the greatest Sith Lord in history!"

"What a fabulous idea! I can arrange that; what time works for you?"

"I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!" Vader was getting really angry now.

"I know. And I was being annoying" retorted Firecracker, as calmly as a bumblebee on a lily pad.

"Yes, yes. I'll give you credit, you're very good at that. Anyway, I'm filing a complaint."

"This isn't a hotel, but go on…" Firecracker said, starting to get impatient.

"Thanks to you, the boy with the lightning scar- Harry- thanks to you, he thinks my name is Robot Guy. Which means the other new people I've heard about probably will too. Also, he thinks that Sith is a speech disorder and that the Jedi are a type of steak." After laughing for about two minutes, Firecracker finally replied

"Feel free to use the podium and microphone to introduce yourself. As for the whole Sith and Jedi issue, I can explain some of that when we're back from Manhattan Pizza." Vader suddenly became interested in what Firecracker had to say.

"Pizza?"

"Yes, anyone who is interested can sign up on the sheet next to the podium. All the food and drink is on me." Behind the helmet, Vader suddenly look ecstatic.

"Free food? IT'S MY LUCKY DAY! WOOHOO!" And so, he ran out of the room. Firecracker had almost made her way back to Luna when she was pulled aside once again, this time by Fred and George.

"Hey! We've got an idea…"

**Ooh, suspense! Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed! By the way, please review! I'm getting desperate! ** **Even just one word helps! If you review my story, I'll review yours! I also have a brand-new forum under Star Wars called Do People Know You Exist? I will make one under Harry Potter too. You can post there if you're having trouble getting reviews, too. Toodles! **

**~Firecracker**


	5. Chapter 5: Pizza and Destruction

**Chapter 5: Pizza and Destruction**

**Ooh, what a dangerous sounding chapter! I'm quaking in my boots! Wait… I'm only wearing socks. Okay, I'll just quake in my imaginary boots instead. If I have any readers who are not reviewing, but they are reading, please write a review! I still only have two reviews, and I have five chapters! Anyway, it's time for that ever-present disclaimer. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, Harry Potter, abc, Manhattan Pizza, Nyan Cat, Hallmark, A Very Potter Musical, A Very Potter Sequel, or any of the songs/ artists mentioned in this chapter. I do, however, own the very inconsequential character of Larry Schmozzenheimer **

Firecracker was hungry. She decided it was time to check the sign-up list and see who wanted to come. It would just have to be tough luck for anyone who hadn't signed up yet. She wanted dinner! Besides, it was after the time she said she would see who signed up. So, she picked up the list and began to read. The people who signed up were Harry, Ron, Hermione, Obi-Wan, Vader, Luna, Fred, George, , Ginny, Bill, Luke, Han, Qui-Gon, Sirius, Mace, Yoda, Lupin, Hagrid, and Neville. Leia and Fleur had become fast friends and were going to watch some random chick flick that was on abc that night. So, rounded up the dinner goers by the elevator at the outside of the mansion that led to the outside world.

"As you can see, I had a judgment lapse and made the elevator too small to fit more than 6 people at a time. So, let's see… who don't I trust to be in an elevator by themselves…" Some of the characters looked slightly offended. "Alright…" Firecracker began to speak again "Vader, Fred, George, Han, and Sirius, you can all come with me. Everyone else can do whatever, as long as Yoda and Hagrid go together. Yoda's… smaller size can make up for Hagrid being half-giant." Once Firecracker's group was inside the elevator, she began to sing. "It's pizza time, pizza time, going to the pizza-"

"How long is this elevator ride going to take?" groaned Vader in annoyance, cutting her off.

"Good timing, since we just hit the ground" observed George. He turned to Fred to ask him a question, but Fred had already escaped the elevator and was admiring the limousine parked nearby.

"Whoa, _awesome_ car! IS this yours?" he asked, turning to Firecracker.

"Of course!" she responded. "How else would I fit all these people?". Vader, on the other mechanical hand, was less impressed.

"What's this, some kind of speeder?" He tried to look for an opening at the top like most well known Star-Wars vehicles possessed, and soon discovered the front hood.

"How are you supposed to enter with all these wires here? This vehicle must be seriously broken." He attempted to remove some of the wires.

"No, don't mess with it, it's not-" Firecracker broke off due to a small explosion. "-broken" she finished uselessly, sighing. "At least, it wasn't."

"WHY DID IT EXPLODE? This stupid new galaxy has negatively affected my skill at fixing machines!" Vader complained. After a moment of confuzzlement, Firecracker replied

"Wha- no! No, Earth vehicles- we call them _cars_- are just very different from vehicles in your galaxy. This galaxy is called the Milky Way, if you were curious."

"Like the delicious candy bar!" Ron added. "So, now that the car is broken, how are supposed to get to the pizza place?" Not surprisingly, Ron was anxious about the food.

"Apparition, duh!" was George's solution. Unfortunately from him, Firecracker had some qualms about that plan.

" _Some people_" she began, jerking her head towards the _Star Wars_ characters "don't know how to Apparate."

"Well, we'll use Side-Along Apparition!" George amended.

" Do you really want to hold hands with one of the top villains of all time?" Firecracker looked dubious. Everyone shook their heads vigorously.

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO STARVE! MERLIN SAVE US!" screamed Ron, on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist! I'll just call Phoenix, and she can drive us, so long as no one causes her car to explode, too." True to her word, firecracker whipped out her cellular phone and called Phoenix.

"_Hem hem! This is Dolores Umbridge speaking!_" On the other end of the phone, Phoenix was pinching her nose and making her voice as high pitched as possible.

"Hi, Phoenix. Vader made the limo explode. He thought it was broken."

"_ Let me guess. You are in need of a ride" _Phoenix said, returning her voice to normal.

"You're a genius."

"_Tell me something I don't know! Anyway, I'll be there in a minute. Just let me magically expand the car. Toodleoo!_" On that cheery note, she hung up.

"WE'RE SAVED!" screamed Firecracker joyously.

"HUZZAH!" cheered the hungry characters.

_SCREECH! _ A snazzy red limo pulled up in front of the famished crowd. Out stepped a girl with long, unruly red hair with yellow highlights, sunglasses, and a gold Mardi Gras-type necklace.

"WASSUP, YO!" SHE SHOUTED. Apparently, Phoenix had decided to be faux-gangsta today. Firecracker went along with it, turning her duck baseball cap (you know, the kind where the cap is the duck's head and the part that shades your eyes is the bill) sideways and screaming "WHAT'S CRACKALACKIN', HOMIE!" As you can see, these two do not make very good gangstaz.

"I'm not sure I feel safe being driven by these people…" muttered Lupin to Sirius. However, most of the crowd was far too ravenous to object to a basket case behind the wheel. So, the throng hopped inside the beautiful, majestic, shiny red limo.

**A/V (Annoying Voice): Ahhh! Mary Sue car!**

**Me: Oh, shut up. Can't you see there's a story going on here? Go away!**

"We're off to eat the pizza, the wonderful pizza of Oz!" sang Firecracker gleefully.

"That's not the way I remember the song" Luna commented vaguely. "I rather like that version, though". The gang arrived at Manhattan Pizza in a matter of minutes, since Phoenix had a penchant for speeding and the police were too entranced by the beauteous, graceful, yet incredibly fast movement of that gorgeous car to actually consider the law.

Larry Schmozzenheimer was working another mind-numbing, tedious shift at Manhattan Pizza. He hated his job, but it payed the bills, and for the dates with his girlfriend. He gazed out the window dreamily. Oh, how he longed for excitement! For adventure! For thrills! Sadly, all he had was an empty restaurant. His head nodded, and he began to snore. Suddenly, the sound of a stampede of ravenous, screaming people awakened him. Holy guacamole, there were a lot of people in here! A throng! And a very odd throng at that. There were oddly dressed teenage girls, men clad in dark robes, and… oh dear God, some Star Wars geek dressed up in a Vader suit. Larry rubbed his hands together in glee. At last, some excitement!

"IT SMELLS DAHLEEEESHUS IN HERE!" Firecracker skipped to the cashier. Having taken everyone's orders in the car she promptly ordered 30 cheese pizzas, 15 pepperoni-sausage pizzas, 5 "combo-topping" pizzas, and 50 orders of baklava. Hermione tapped Firecracker's shoulder.

"Isn't that a lot of pizza for 22 people? We didn't order THAT much."

"Leftovers, my friend. Leftovers. They are a valuable thing to have in the mansion. Last night, before I went to bed, I saw about 150 brownies in the pantry. When I woke up, only one remained." Hermione, satisfied enough with this answer, chose a seat.

"Er… ma'am… that would take several days for me to make…" said the cashier nervously.

"Oh, that won't be a problem, Mr.…." Then, she caught sight of his nametag.

"LARRY… SCHMOZZENHEIMER! THAT IS THE MOST HILARIOUS NAME I HAVE SEEN ALL YEAR! R. O. F. L! She then proceeded to literally roll on the floor laughing. Vader, utterly clueless as to why anyone would want to roll on the floor because of a nametag, decided to consult an intelligent person.

"Is she having a seizure?" he asked Obi-Wan. He was rather concerned. If Firecracker was hospitalized, who would provide payment for the food? In rather haughty tones, Obi-Wan replied

"You killed me. I don't feel terribly inclined to talk to you right now" and turned away. If Obi-Wan had the knowledge of "shunning", he would have done so at that moment. Phoenix, on the other hand, had decided enough tomfoolery had occurred, and was blocking her path to glorious pizza.

"Don't worry, Larry. We'll be able to make the pizzas quite swiftly if you allow us to help!" She attempted to smile sweetly. Larry, who had the uncomfortable feeling that these nutjobs were endangering his life, did not object. So, without further ado, the magic-using gang headed to the back of the parlor to create some delectable pizza pies. With all those wizards helping, the pizzas were finished in only 15 minutes. Unfortunately, it had not occurred to the cooks that when they returned to the dining area, the remaining people (basically, the Star Wars characters) would be duking it out … and destroying some furniture in the process. Hermione was about to fling a book at someone's head out of sheer panic when she noticed the moving cash register.

"Obi-Wan?" she began tentatively. "Why do have a cash register on you head?" Firecracker, of course, began excitedly asking questions.

"Is that a fascinator! I love it! Where did you obtain such a priceless accessory? I didn't notice a hat shop here. Is there a secret passage to a hat shop here? How do I get in? Will you take me?" she babbled.

"Shhh!" Obi-Wan begged urgently. "You'll blow my cover!" Sirius looked skeptical.

"Cover as… what, exactly?"

"A cash register! Duh! Why else would I have placed this infernal object atop my head?" he fumed. Most of the crowd was watching this spectacle with rapt attention. Phoenix, however, had other plans. She opened the cash register drawer, withdrew a dollar bill, and waved it over her head tantalizingly.

"Hey! Look, guys! Money!" As if a spell had been cast (which, come to think of it, would be a less chaotic way out of this mess, but that's no fun), the duelers ceased their fighting and lunged for the bill. They began to stampede her, abandoning reason and snatching wildly for the dollar. This onslaught of what can only be described as rabidness was not something the unsuspecting Phoenix had bargained for.

"Uh, guys! Please! Stop mauling me! There's no need for this! None of you are Darth Maul! I mean, come on, it's one dollar! Wouldn't you rather have some delicious pizza?" At this inquiry, Mr. Weasley, Hagrid, and Neville, who had been holding the towering boxes of pizza, dropped them and fled to the other side of the room. Right on cue, the group (which, if you're curious, included Vader, Luke, Han, Chewbacca, and Yoda- Qui-Gon was hidden behind an immense stack of empty pizza boxes) dove upon the pizza. However, there was only so much pizza even that crazy crowd desired, leaving the more peaceable people to grab their own slices.

"Gee, I'd never thought I'd be acting saner than anyone else besides Phoenix and serial killers" mumbled Firecracker through a slice of her favorite cheese pizza. Eight minutes and a few boxes of pizza later, the previously dueling characters had settled down enough for some meaningless chatter. Apparently all that had been bothering them was empty stomachs. Larry, who, a few minutes earlier, had decided it was safe to emerge from the kitchens and collect the money for all that food, wiped his brow, relieved. That relief would not last long.

"Psst! Firecracker! Ready to put our plan into action?" whispered Fred.

"Oh! Right!" Remembering the aforementioned plan, she nonchalantly strolled over to her waffle-print backpack she had left under one of the non-destroyed tables, not wanting to attract any unwanted attention. After all, Phoenix and George were the only others who knew of this mysterious plan. A faint rustling sound could be heard as Firecracker delved into the depths of the bag. Her hands felt cardboard. The box! Success was only a moment away… But it was not to be had. Being a klutz, she had accidentally pressed the Nyan Cat keychain on her backpack. Which made noise. Lots of noise. Hoping no one would notice the sudden music, she began to back away…

"Not exactly a master of espionage, are you?" noted a girlish, falsely sweet voice. Horrified, Firecracker turned around to face…

"Umbridge? How did you get here? And…why?" Firecracker was confuzzled.

"Oh, I was doing a little shopping at Hallmark when I saw head with red hair and stupid complexions. I decided that so many Weasleys meant trouble was brewing! And, my dear, it certainly looks as if you're being a troublemaker, too."

"How dare you steal that line from A Very Potter Musical? It's not even yours! And even if it was, you're nothing like the Umbridge in A Very Potter Sequel!" Firecracker fumed, rage bubbling up. Normally, Firecracker was a very happy individual – rather irrepressible, actually- but woe betide thee who defiled the glorious names of A Very Potter musical and/or A Very Potter Sequel!

"Temper, temper!" Umbridge chided. "Why don't you just hand that box over, dear."

"No!" refused Firecracker. Umbridge drew her wand.

"Hand it over." She pointed her wand at Firecracker. In response, Firecracker reached into her pocket for her own wand, ready to retaliate… and realized she had left it beside her pizza. Feeling stupid for neglecting to bring it on a mission, she racked her brains for a plan. Desperately, she shouted "Fred! George! Phoenix! CATCH!" and hurled the contents of the box at them. Miraculously, the threesome managed to catch the flying objects. As Umbridge saw them fly by, her face paled. These were no ordinary mischief-making objects. These were…

"Weasley's… Wildfire… Whizbangs?" she croaked. "STOP THEM!" she shrieked. Sheepishly, she remembered there was no Inquisitorial Squad to aid her in her quest for a fussier world. Therefore, she took it upon herself to stop the fireworks. She failed miserably. Fred let a rocket explode, which chased after Umbridge, who promptly fled the pizza parlor. The crowd enjoyed the rest of the show, oohing and ahhing at the various displays of light as they danced, spun, and destroyed furniture.

After he had fled the Manhattan Pizza and was safe in his car driving home to his condo, Larry Schmozzenheimer reflected on the fiasco at the pizza parlor. Considering all the destruction that had occurred, he decided he much preferred mind-numbing, tedious shifts. Excitement had not turned out so well.

**WOOHOO! I finally ** **updated! I hope you guys are as excited as I am about that fact! Anyway, a big big big big thank you (as opposed to a big big big big day, which is more Effie Trinket's style) to Rainmist-and-Lilymist for reviewing! Your rule!**

**By the way, have all you Warriors fans out there read** **The Last Hope yet? I have! It was amazing! I'd better shut up before I reveal anything.**

** ~Firecracker**


	6. Chapter 6: Thanksgiving FreeForAll

**Chapter 6: Thanksgiving Free-For-All**

**Hallo! Yes, it's a Thanksgiving episode. Be very afraid… Anyway, thanks Rainmist-and-Lilymist and The Mysterious E for reviewing! You get free virtual Graystripe plushies!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Warriors, Party City, or any of the songs/artists mentioned in this chapter.**

Qui-Gon was content. He had finally found a chance and a place to relax, away from all the chaos. Breathing a sigh of relief, he closed his eyes and began to fall asleep…

"_ATTENTION!" _ blared Firecracker's voice from the intercom. "_EVERYONE TO THE AUDITORIUM!" _Qui-Gon sighed wearily and trudged over to the auditorium.

**AT THE AUDITORIUM**

The characters filed into the auditorium. Qui-Gon was not the only one who looked a bit weary, but the majority appeared to be in good condition. They would need to be in order to survive the trials ahead. Obi-Wan perked up when he spotted a table laden with snacks and drinks.

"Ooh, refreshments!" he noted happily, grabbing a sugar cookie and a cup of lemonade and settling into one of the plush velvet seats. Normally, Firecracker wasn't one for frou-frou décor, but no expense had been spared when it came to ensuring the character's comfort.

"_SCREECH!"_ wailed the microphone as Firecracker turned it on. Apparently, expenses had been spared when it came to the sound system.

"Attention! Can I please have everyone's attention!" Firecracker said into the microphone. Eventually, the audience shut up. "An important event is coming up-Thanksgiving! I'm going to need everyone's help to prepare!" In the back row, Han raised his hand. Normally, he wasn't one for pleasantries, but Firecracker creeped him out. "Question, Han? Don't worry about raising your hand in the future- I don't give a Sith about manners, really- but thanks for the thought!" Firecracker had mistaken his fear for kindness.

"What's Thanksgiving?"

"Oh! I forgot- you Star Wars peeps don't know what Thanksgiving is. Thanksgiving originated from Pilgrims- these guys with funny hats and drab gray outfits- sailing to America- that's where we are- from Europe so they could have religious freedom. Back then, they had these incredibly crappy wooden ships that sailed on water, so it was an incredibly long and difficult journey. Luckily for them, they made it to America- well, most of them anyway. While they were there, they met this tribe of Native Americans- the people who originally lived there. Instead of having some lame-o battle, the Pilgrims and Native Americans ended up getting along, and had a feast which I guess they called Thanksgiving to give thanks for their friendship. People used to celebrate Thanksgiving to honor this event. These days, it's pretty much a big commercial thing, and an excuse to eat tons of delectable food without feeling guilty, and to place tacky turkeys in the front yard. So, all in all, it's a pretty wizard holiday."

"Yeah, it actually does sound pretty awesome" Han agreed. Many of the others murmured in assent. Ron, while greatly appreciating the copious amounts of delicious food aspect of this plan, was concerned about this whole "preparing" business. It sounded disturbingly similar to work.

"What exactly do you mean by…preparing?" he queried nervously.

"Well, I'm delighted you brought that up, good sir!" After this ominous phrase, Firecracker whipped a military officer's hat and handlebar mustache. She adorned her head with the hat and her face with the mustache, and began to pace about the stage as military planning music randomly began to play in the background. Ron shook in his trainers. "With all these hungry mouths to feed, we'll need to do a boatload of grocery shopping. Phoenix and I can't handle all that food on our own. However, that's not the task at hand today. If we purchase the food today, it will be spoiled by the time Thanksgiving rolls around. No, the job we've got to do today is getting supplies." Firecracker had attempted to lower her voice to appear more like a serious military officer and less like a wacky teenage girl. It was not very effective, as she was still clad in her Nyan Cat pajamas, complete with slippers. "We'll need to purchase paper plates. What with me being one of the world's biggest klutzes, there's no way I'm going to be able to carry all those dishes without breaking them if we use normal plates. The same goes for glasses, silverware, bowls, and anything else you can think of. We'll also need to procure lots of napkins. Everything should be Thanksgiving themed. Any questions?" Lupin was the first to speak up.

"I've actually got two questions. One… what's with the mustache? And two… where are we going for all these supplies?"

"Excellent questions, Lupin. I chose to don the mustache because I thought it was pretty awesome. As for your second inquiry, we'll hit up Party City for all our table setting needs. We'll also find the tacky decorations there." Firecracker assumed everyone was hunky-dory with this plan, as no one protested. "Alrighty then! I'm ready when you guys are! Just meet me at the front door when you're all set!" And with that, she leapt off the stage. Before she could exit, though, Fleur shrieked in horror.

"You're going out..wearing…_THAT?_ In _PUBLIC?_" Fleur, who had already established herself as the mansion's go-to fashionista, was disgusted at this notion.

"Yeah, why wouldn't' I?" Firecracker replied casually. Fleur had no words for this. She just passed out in shock and fear.

"Uhhh…right. See you guys soon." And, with that parting statement, Firecracker was finally able to exit.

After a few moments, everyone was ready and at the bottom of the elevator, ready to leave- with the exceptions of Qui-Gon, who had stayed behind to relax and sleep, and Fleur, who was still unconscious.

"Alright everyone, let's go inside the car! No need for delay… Aw, crud." Firecracker moaned.

"What is it? Is it broken? Can I fix it? Can I fix it? Pleeeease? I read the owner's manual and EVERYTHING-"

"No, Vader. It's not broken. There just isn't enough room for everyone to ride." Vader sighed dejectedly.

_SCREECH! _Suddenly, a shiny, glistening, gleaming, glossy, lustrous, sparkling, beautiful, dazzling, exquisite, ravishing red limousine pulled up to the throng. A drowsy Phoenix stumbled out, and was immediately hugged by a much more spirited Firecracker.

"Woohoo! You conveniently arrived just in the nick of time for no apparent reason! That's MY friend, people!"

"Yeesh. I just got up five minutes ago…" Phoenix said blearily.

"So _that's_ why you're wearing pajamas" Neville observed, feeling intelligent. Not surprisingly, he had noticed Phoenix's vivid taco - print sleepwear.

"Right. Anyway, I'm guessing you peeps need an extra ride."

"OOH! OOH! I WANNA GO IN THE LIMO!" Sirius was jumping up and down in excitement at this appealing prospect.

"We both have limos, you know" said Firecracker dryly, which elicited a few snickers.

"I ment da pwitty won…" murmured Sirius, trancelike. Apparently, he had forgotten how to speak properly.

"Well, off you go, then! Chop-Chop! No time to waste!" Eager to get the blibbering-moron edition of Sirius off her hands, Firecracker prodded him with a huge rainbow lollipop she had extracted from her pocket, which seemed much too small to hold such a large delicacy. And so, the merry drivers drove their victims – I mean, helpers – to Party City. Look out, world!

Larry Schmozzenheimer had recently quit his job at Manhattan Pizza in favor of becoming a cash register guy at Party City. Innocently, he peered out the window… and his heart was filled with dread. That shiny red limo was back, and it could only mean one thing. _Them!_ Poor Larry was on the verge of total panic. Suddenly, a plan formed in his mind. Pretending to have an "emergency", Larry raced frantically toward the back and opened the supply room door. This would be the perfect hiding spot! Slamming the door quickly, he shoved a crate full of tacky decorations in front of it, and proceeded to hunker down behind a tower of drab cardboard boxes.

"Git on out, lil' doggies!" shouted Phoenix in her best Southern accent – which was pretty awful.

"We do not appreciate being referred to as dogs! Isn't that right, Luna?" Hermione asked, sounding indignant. Unfortunately for Hermione, Luna had other thoughts.

"Are you going to Transfigure all of us into dogs? How fun! What breed?" Hermione groaned inwardly and smacked her forehead in exasperation.

"Well, let's move along. Firecracker and her entourage are already entering Party City! We'll be taunted! Ridiculed! Shamed!" With that, Phoenix rushed into Party City, leaving some bemused characters trudging to the entrance in her wake. Meanwhile, Firecracker was deliberating over which ginormous inflatable turkeys to purchase.

"Forsooth, ye braggart !" hollered Phoenix, speaking in Olde English for no apparent reason. "Thou may hast beateh us to the shoppe, but thou shall never smite us! We shall prevail! Thine spiteful, wicked ways shall not conquer TEAM PHOENIX!" With that, Phoenix concluded her very old-fashioned motivational speech.

"Silly phoenix!" admonished Han. "That's not how you defeat your enemies! You just TACKLE 'EM!" With that charming sentiment, Han initiated a mini-brawl between himself, Phoenix, and Firecracker, which in turn caused an avalanche of inflatable turkeys.

"Pleaghelef" spit Firecracker, ejecting an inflatable turkey wing from her mouth while emerging from the avian-shaped rubble. "Silly Han, these aren't the turkeys we're going to eat! These are the exquisite decorations! Now that you mention it, I think I will purchase these fine pieces of merchandise. Thanks for the capital suggestion, Han!" She placed the turkeys in a magically-expanded shopping cart and headed to other regions of the store, with Han and Phoenix in hot pursuit. Soon, all their ears caught the unmistakably appalling notes of "Baby". A few steps later, their eyes met a sight too hilarious for words. Harry Potter was dressed in a leftover, marked-down Justin Bieber costume, complete with wig, and was singing the aforementioned song (if you can call it that), much to the amusement of a cluster of characters. When he finished, he took a bow.

"Bravo! Bravissimo!" cheered Firecracker.

"Yes, it was terrifyingly realistic!" complimented Hagrid.

"Yes, yes" said Harry in mock-bored tones. " I know you love me. I know you care. Anyway, it's Angelina's turn! I am so done with this claptrap." Angelina Johnson tossed on a cheap Hannah Montana wig and sparkly outfit over her robes, and began to warble.

"_Everybody makes mistakes! Everybody has those days!"_

After those two lines, poor Angelina couldn't take it anymore. "I CAN'T DO IT!" laughed Angelina. "IT'S TOO HILARIOUS!"

"Alright then, I'll go!" stated Gunny, pulling a blonde wig and shiny, skimpy costume over her uniform.

"_Boy don't try to front, I I know just just what you are! Boy don't try to front I I know just just what you are! Yoouuuuuu, you got me goin', yoouuuuuu, you're oh so charmin', yoouuuuuu, but I can't do it, you womanizer! Boy don't try to front, I I know just just what you are! Boy don't try to front, I I know just just what you are! Yoouuuuuu, you say I'm crazy, yoouuuuuu, I got you crazy, yoouuuuuu, you're nothin' but a womanizer!" _

After her performance, the crowd went wild, praising Ginny for her spot-on imitation of Britney Spears.

"Hey, too bad that Vader guy wasn't here to sing the parts where the song says 'Womanizer' in that really deep voice!" laughed George.

"What do you mean?" asked Phoenix, tugging a Vader helmet from one of the leftover deluxe costumes (where the helmet actually changes your voice) over her head. "I am Darth Vader! My head is burned up! Fear me for no apparent reason! Dun, dun, dun, dun da dun, dun da dun!" Everyone laughed at Phoenix's purposefully atrocious mockery of Vader. Suddenly, the laughter ended. Phoenix was bemused.

"What? What's wrong? Not enough Force choking?" she queried.

"Um… Phoenix… you might want to turn around…" whispered Hermione. Phoenix turned around to face the real Vader and gulped .

"What is the meaning of this balderdash?" demanded Vader.

"Um…" quivered Phoenix. "…It was Firecracker's idea!" she exclaimed, pointing towards the back. Alas, the hyperactive teenager was nowhere to be found.

"You know what I find even more appalling than this insulting performance?" yelled Vader. Everyone shook their heads. "This deplorable copy of my helmet!" he shouted, answering his own question. "I mean, the shade of black is off, the craftsmanship is simply disgusting, and the material is flimsier than low-grade cardboard!" With that, he punted the helmet across the store. Han ran towards the projectile, and, when it landed, kicked it back, aiming at Vader's head. The helmet hit its target, but it only bounced off the hard metal.

"You seriously thought that could hurt me?" taunted Vader.

"You want hurt? You're gonna be in a _world _of hurt! You picked the wrong guy to freeze in carbonite! _IT. IS. ON!_" After Han screamed that, chaos erupted in Party City. The helmet was kicked so much it never even hit the ground. A few bouncy balls joined the mix of objects to be kicked. Aside from Vader and Han, who were livid, everyone was having an awesome time destroying the store. There was only one question in their minds: Where was Firecracker? Sure, they didn't know her very well, but she seemed like the kind of person who would have initiated this lollapalooza, not hid in the storage room before it even began. Just as they were thinking these thoughts, a familiar voice hollered over the intercom.

"_MEN, WOMEN, CHILDREN, AND EMPLOYEES OF PARTY CITY ! A CATASTROPHE IS COMMENCING! NO ONE WILL BE SAFE! UNLESS YOU KNOW WHO FIRECRACKER IS, EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY, BECAUSE THIS. IS. WAAAAAAAAAR!" _As she screamed this last word, Firecracker burst forth from the storage room, shooting pies as rapidly as she could from her pie cannons. Everyone except the FFFHT gang fled from the premises. If it was chaos before, it was pandemonium now. Greeting card racks were knocked over, burying Ron in cheesy anniversary cards. Harry shouted "Aguamenti!" and filled water guns with water, squirting the clear liquid at anything moving, including flies and escaped convicts from the local hamster jail. Somehow, Hermione and Firecracker had got to the top of the shelves and were throwing objects of the tops onto unsuspecting victim's heads. Control of the pie cannons had been bequeathed to Fred and George, who had planted their fireworks onto the pie crusts. Lightsabers flashed! Some slashed open pre-filled piñatas, littering the floor with candy and confetti, making it easy to slip. Ina matter of minutes, nothing remained on the shelves. Everything was strewn on the floor, in midair being hurled at someone's face, or coming into contact with someone's face. Eventually, Obi-wan saw reason.

"Firecracker?" Obi-Wan shouted over the ruckus, attempting to get her attention. After she threw a Beanie Baby to Sirius for him to catch (which missed and caused a firework to explode, damaging some party hats and half a shelf), she leaped off the shelf to face the bearded Jedi.

"Firecracker reporting to General Kenobi for duty!" she yelled, saluting. Obi-Wan rolled his eyes.

"Didn't we come here to purchase paper plates and such?" he reminded her.

"You're right!" replied Firecracker cheerily, as if she hadn't made an extensive military speech that morning. "Thanks, buddy!" with that she merely skipped away towards the Thanksgiving-themed paper plates, napkins, and plastic sporks. Conveniently, none of these items had been damaged or defiled at all. (Please roll your eyes at this convenient coinkydink). She placed the merchandise in a plastic Party City bag, and stuck money for the items (and even extra for repairs) under a half-melted cash register.

**Another crazy chapter! Sorry I didn't update for a long time, but at least you have a chapter now! Right? Right? Please don't kill me with Jell-O and Justin Bieber's new album! The next update won't take as long!**

**Well, anyway, thanks for your reviews! Have a happy Mustache Day!**

**~Firecracker**


End file.
